OCTOBER 2011 NEWSLETTER

Welcome to our October newsletter

Here we are again, it is now October and it is time to chat about “What is Love?”
In my experience this is something that couples very rarely discuss. What assumptions do you have about what a relationship should be? Or, more specifically, “What let’s you know you are in a loving relationship?”

• How much closeness?
• How much distance?
• How much self reliance?
• How much independence financially and emotionally?
• How much giving?
• How much sacrifice?

What you expect from a relationship comes from your experience with love. The way your parents loved each other, or didn’t. The way previous partners loved you and how much you liked it, or not. Scientists have called your relationship expectations your CL, your comparison level.
Your happiness in love will be greatly determined by how far above or how far below your CL your relationship falls. If you think that relationships should be total commitment and completely engulfing, a distant partner will drive you crazy. The more you try to draw the distant partner to you the more they will pull away.
On the other hand, if you think an ideal relationship is loving coexistence, a partner who gets too close will suffocate you. The more you push them away, the more you weaken the relationship. All love relationships have a delicate balance between intimacy and independence. Most of you are not aware of the danger if this gets unbalanced, but you have a sixth sense that it is important right?
So my point here today is…find out how your partner envisages a loving relationship and love him the way he wants to be loved. Love her the way she wants you to love her. Not the way you want to love them.
So ask the questions:

• What, to you, is an ideal relationship…and then listen really hard!
• How would you like a man/woman to love you? (& I don’t mean sexually)
• Or…..How do you know when you are loved in a relationship

Does she/he long for total intimacy and interdependence, or does she/he prefer loving distance? Does she/he want you to care and ask about her/his every move or does she/he need more space.

Have a great month and we will catch up again soon.
Warmest regards..Deborah

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Warmest Regards

Deborah Bow